It’s an odd moment when you realise that even though you’ve been away from home for months and months, you’ve barely travelled at all.
When you have personal issues in your life, escaping them just isn’t an option. No matter how far you run, be it Spain or Siberia, if the problems in your life are carried within you there’s no way of leaving them behind. Then you find yourself repeating the same old patterns over and over, running into the same old obstacles – in my case missing out on life the same way I always had.
I found myself living in London for 4 months and not seeing a single thing. Not saving to explore the amazing creative culture or ancient architecture, nor for trips across the pond to places I’d always wanted to see. Instead my focus became my work at Graphic, it became ambition based on validation, and I fell into the same behaviour I always had – try try try to impress, yet receive no return. Get depressed. Spend money stupidly on things to consume and fill the void that added no value to my life. Be alone, lonely, far too often. Crash.
It’s not a great way to live, especially when you want to see (and save) the world.
However, one thing was very different this time. I was old enough, wise enough, introspective enough to understand more fully than I ever had – to not simply comprehend the emotions and the reasons behind them, but also the practicality of the situation. The reality of it, and how I could, for once, fix it for good.
I realised that no matter where I went or what I tried to change in my world, nothing lasting would ever come of it. Nothing that would provide the foundation for the life I really want to live, nor keep me healthy and at peace. I had intellectualised so much in my understanding, but I had never seemed to be able to make it click inside me – I hadn’t quite grown up. I don’t refer to ‘growing up’ in the get married, be serious, don’t dream type way. No, I refer to growing up in the sense that as we mature emotionally we begin to regain control – not to inhibit emotions but to understand them, accept them, and choose how we react to feeling them so intensely inside ourselves.
I look back now, having just started a new job that’s about to open up my world to really travel – not to have my normal life overseas, but to explore, embrace, live – and I feel as if I am finally able to clear my head; like I can reach out with my mind and feel free, instead of enclosed in anxiety and adolescent issues. I look around me everyday, and still see the joy in life I always have, small things that make you smile. But now I feel I’m getting the signal for the bigger picture, without being weighed down and controlled by the need for validation and insecurities… not because they do not exist, but because I’ve learned to recognise them for what they are – passing emotions and the remnants of a story told long ago, one that no longer even echoes but lies still in faint memory.
I am excited.
I am ridiculously excited.
I finally get to see the world. My job is taking to me to Barcelona, to Amsterdam, Munich, Morocco and Ibiza. I get to learn new skills, be responsible, be creative. I get to write! To write and get paid! What is this witchcraft? Who knew you could be honest, be you, put yourself out there and have the universe hug you back, instead of kicking you in the balls? I feel equally blessed by my circumstances and the knowledge that I made it happen. And you know what, regardless of the cycles in which you may find yourself, the emotions you may get trapped up or the way you forget who YOU really are, all of it is possible for you too.
I can’t regret my non-travel travel, because I wouldn’t be where I am now without it. But I look forward to the adventures to come, and the awesome posts I’ll get to write about them.
Ever been in a similar situation. Have any questions on how to cope, or just something you want to share? Please, comment below or send me an email using the contact form.